Little Event, BIG Response! What just happened?
Chefchaouen Photo by Milad Alizadeh on Unsplash
It was a simple request—Susan asked me for the recording link of one of my training sessions—but it elicited a BIG emotional response. My heart rate increased, and I could feel my anxiety rising. That simple text changed my whole day. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I started internally defending my reasons for not wanting to give any links to my recordings. I couldn’t let it go. I felt like my whole day was hijacked by that one small text.
Little event, big response! What is this about?
Do you ever notice internal, or maybe even external, emotional responses that are out of proportion? Too big? Too emotional?
You just exploded when your child dropped something.
Your househelper used bleach on the floor again, and you are ready to buy an airline ticket home.
The cashier at the corner hanute gave you the wrong change, and you broke down and cried.
Where do these reactions come from?
While it could be that you are just under a lot of stress, sometimes these responses are coming from our memory. But, wait a minute! I had no prior memory of this woman asking to hear my recording, no experience of a similar situation going poorly with her. How could memory play a part?
Merzouga Desert Photo by Rubén Bagüés on Unsplash
I’ll return to this story in a moment, but for now, let’s talk about memory.
TWO KINDS OF MEMORY
Explicit Memory
What did you eat for breakfast?
What have been the significant events of the last year?
What do you remember about your first trip overseas?
These questions elicit explicit memory. These are memories that we can describe, visualize, and place in time. Alternatively, they are facts that we can recall. What city did you live in when you were two-years-old? What is 2 x 2? Where is your passport? Our brains are developed enough to start having explicit memories (albeit, short-term) between 18 and 24 months of age. This is about the same time that the left hemisphere of our brain is developing with its focus on language, time, and logic. Explicit memory is connected to words, time, and reasons.
Implicit Memory
Implicit memory is different. You’ve heard of “muscle memory”—the way you know how to walk, tie your shoes, or ride a bike without even thinking? This is a type of implicit memory, and it’s not necessarily linked to words.
Implicit memory is connected to the deeper, earlier-developed portions of our brain: the Brain Stem, Limbic System, and Amygdala. It’s connected primarily to the right hemisphere of the brain, with its big picture, body/spatial awareness, and emotional strengths. Implicit memories are mental models (senses, beliefs, feelings, ways of viewing the world around us) that we possibly keep from as early as the third trimester—before birth!
Without having any explicit (time-bound, visual, or word-based) memory, my mind knows how those around me responded when I cried out for help when I was an infant. My mind remembers, wordlessly, how people looked back at me when I began to smile.
Personally, I have this non-verbal, emotional memory of what it felt like when my dad asked to look at my report card. I have no specific memory that I recall. But deep in my brain, I know it—more accurately. I feel it. Even as I type this story about my dad, I can feel my gut tightening and my anxiety rising. That’s implicit memory!
Putting words to your emotions is a fantastic first step.
Download a See Beyond Emotions Chart in English, French, or Spanish.
That’s the kind of memory that gives us BIG reactions to what should feel small.
In my story, Susan asked to hear my recording. But, here’s the thing: Susan has a quasi-authoritative role in my life. When she asked to hear my recording, it triggered an implicit memory.
Since implicit memory isn’t connected to a specific event—rather, usually a series of events—and it’s not connected to the language centers of our brain—rather to the emotional centers—I ended up with a big reaction that didn’t make sense.
It was later, after realizing that my emotional reaction was bigger than the situation merited, that I took time to think about it. I realized that my implicit memory—probably of my dad, step dad, and certain teachers—had kicked in.
EXAMPLES OF IMPLICIT MEMORY AT WORK
I go "home" to see my parents, and my husband says I act differently. (I’m still responding like I did when I was a child.)
I feel unusually close to a new colleague. (My brain knows he reminds me of my favorite uncle, even if I’m not conscious of it yet.)
I feel anxious every time I go back to that big city I used to live in and see the traffic. (I don’t even have to be driving in it—just seeing it from afar triggers the same anxious feelings.)
OUR PAST INFLUENCING OUR FUTURE
Curt Thompson, MD—Psychiatrist, shares that research suggests that approximately 80% of marital conflict stems from implicit memory-related issues—experiences and behaviors that developed before the couple had even met!
We spend the first 5 years of life laying primary foundations for how we view the world and developing ways of reacting to the world around us, building our implicit memory foundation. Because we live in an imperfect world, with imperfect parents and caregivers, these ways of interacting with the world are inevitably scarred in the process.
As a result, our task as adults is to be transformed into the people we long to be. This task is not so much about learning, but rather, unlearning.
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HOW DO WE 'UNLEARN’?
Unlearning, and then re-learning, is a lifelong journey. It’s a journey of growth and development and, as such, can bring great joy and reward.
Here are a few steps to get you started.
1. Learn to pay attention to what is going on inside of you. Because implicit memory is connected to emotion and to your body, become more comfortable with these areas. When you have a big reaction to something small:
Take a moment to slowly scan your body and notice where you are feeling this situation.
Tune into your emotions and put words to them. Many of us have a very limited emotional vocabulary, so using an emotions chart like the one in the link at the end of this article can help.
2. Make the implicit more explicit.
Journal about the experience.
Talk about the experience with anempathetic listener. Find someone who will listen to your story with “other-centered” listening. Sometimes just telling your story and releasing it to the surface helps you to process.
Both of these options help you move a primarily emotional and sensory (implicit) experience of the right brain to the verbal, logical, (explicit) left brain. Doing so is a good first step to making sense out of what’s happening.
Share or write about the current story, including the feelings it elicits.
Write or share the story you tell yourself about the incident—how you are interpreting it or what you think it means.
Share or write about what it reminds you of from your past. This may be a key to what implicit memories are being triggered. It may not be an actual story, but there may be a person or sense that comes to us.
3. Get help in figuring out what is happening. For many of us, wading into implicit memories are frightening waters—dark, murky, turbulent, and deep. Engaging a trained counselor or therapist enables us to have someone who is:
Confident and competent to move us forward.
Focused solely on us—we don’t have to worry about their feelings in the midst of a difficult journey ourselves.
Knowledgeable in how to help us sift through the complicated pieces.
Take time to notice when your response is out of proportion. It may be a sign that something deeper is going on. Use the experience to grow and develop you as a human being, bring others into the journey of growth with you, and let something big come out of it for you.
After working to dig up the implicit memory and making it more real and explicit . . . I knew that my big emotional reaction to Susan's small request wasn't justified. Something was lying beneath. It took a few days to figure it out. Once I began to understand what was happening, I sent Susan the link.
